Dear Andrei
I felt the texture of your ashes today, through the cover. The ashes are on an altar Marcelle designed at her home. It’s beautiful – but I suppose you know that – with precious items representing you and love and earth and spirit. I’m thinking about an altar I’d like to make for you. It would have to be pretty big: a BBQ, lots of cookware, a coffee machine, a weight set, a really killer looking suit, an inspirational book, a cute little pink chihuahua-sized sweater.
Colin and I drove your car today. He calls it a race car - “the green car” - he was very stoked, while I was trying to figure out how your coffee cups could have fit in the little cup holders. The kids understand your death way better than us adults. For them it’s like, “Oh, I get it. Can we play now?” While the adults are straining for you, connecting to what My Broken Heart means, the kids are playing, laughing. It brings up the most frequent thought I have lately: “Andrei would have wanted that.” When we were cleaning your house, I imagined you sitting with the kids watching The Magic School Bus videos, laughing with them. Their laughter was part of the initial healing process for us all… and I know you were laughing, too.
You know when someone dies and everyone says, “he was loved by everyone”? Now I really get the feeling of that… everyone was either fascinated by you or, later, loved you. I never got feedback that you were just some guy. Marcelle would like my help writing an obituary… she told Stefan I could help since she thinks I’m a good writer, but what I feel like writing isn’t very good… isn’t very polite. It’s like, What the hell happened to you, Andrei? How is this possibly real? Tell me, Mr. Obituary Newspaper Editor, how the fuck can Andrei be dead?
Gianna and Colin are getting on with their lives as usual because that’s what kids do, and I’m blessed to have their energy around me. But all of us on this blog are on a life-long journey, starting each day without you.
I love you.
~Caity
(Andrei in around 1999 at a lunch we had with several family members and friends in San Francisco. He’s holding Justin’s dog, Hannah.)